Holy Crap, We're Like Two Months Away From the Start of Football Season

Today is June 21st, the first day of Summer. Two months from now will be August 21st, and we'll be well into the NFL preseason, when interest and excitement about the NFL is high, even if the football is bad. College football too, will be starting up in a couple weeks.

In July, NFL training camps will be taking place, which means the likes of Peter King and other NFL writers and reporters will be touring the nation in search of stories. And, undoubtedly, Brett Favre will be a subject of a lot of speculation.

I'm not the hugest fan of Favre, but not for the obvious reasons. I think he's always been just plain overrated. When his supporting cast was average, he was average. And I have never appreciated his "gunslinger" manner he conducts his play either, but that's just me.

And I think that without a doubt he will play. His supporting cast is too good and his ego is too big for him to not play this season, even though he will turn 41 during the season.

Just hang on people, football season will start eventually.

Once Again I Mock TMQ

Since I have the day off and have nothing better to do, I'll mock another old TMQ just for the hell of it. This time it'll be his "analysis" of the 2003 Super Bowl between the Raiders and the Bucs. What you have to remember about TMQ is that he thinks it would be best for the Super Bowl teams to do the total opposite of what got them to the big game.

"Why are you punting?" -- Jan. 28, 2003

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=tmq/030128

Gregg first starts off by saying that Tampa saved their best performance for last and did not show an attitude that it was just great being there.

These things said, to TMQ the determining factors were not the Tampa zone nor the big interceptions, but the Tampa offensive game plan and the breakdown of the Raiders' offensive line. Throw in rookie coach Bill Callahan going fraidy-cat with what may be the Single Worst Call in Super Bowl history, and you've got a formula for being punched out. Let's take these in turn.

No Tampa's defense and the big interceptions were the deciding factors as they scored more points than the offense did in that game (and Gregg even mentioned it later). The "fraidy-cat" call was Oakland punting on 4th and 2 after going three-and-out at the beginning of the second half, trailing 20-3. I seriously doubt this was the worst call in Super Bowl history, but maybe it is to Gregg.

Tampa's Offensive Game Plan: A top defense stopped a top offense for the nth consecutive time in the Super Bowl. But the performance of the Bucs' offense was as important.

No argument about the top defense stopping the top offense. The top offense has never beaten the top defense in the Super Bowl. I don't think the performance of the Bucs' offense quite that important. Just ask the 2000 Ravens. Their defense was their offense.

The Raiders all season had trouble stopping the run. The pass they were fine against but were a little shaky against the run. In fact, they lost four straight games against the Rams, Chiefs, Chargers and 49ers, teams that had great running backs in 2002. And then they had a fifth loss late in the season against the Dolphins and Ricky Williams.

Bear in mind that it was Tampa 6, Oakland 3 in the middle of the second quarter, very much anybody's game. Jon "I Was A Teenaged Coach" Gruden then did the smartest thing a Super Bowl coach could possibly do -- he took TMQ's advice. Last week, TMQ's Super Bowl prediction was, "The game will be won by whichever team surprises the other with a rushing-oriented game plan." At the eight-minute mark of the second, Gruden switched out of an ineffective hurry-up passing game and went to the ground game.

Here is where Gregg's lack of football knowledge comes to play. Tampa scripted their first 15 plays, most of which were passes and they were ineffective. If they switched to a run-oriented attack in the second quarter, then they obviously didn't come in to the game with a run-oriented offensive gameplan. What else was Gruden supposed to do?

The Bucs put in two tight ends, while, much to TMQ's pleasure, Pro Bowl "fullback" Mike Alstott actually lined up at fullback and threw blocks. For the remainder of the half, Tampa rushed 11 times for 49 yards, threw five times for 43 yards and picked up three first downs on Oakland penalties, as the Raiders defense, expecting a pass-wacky look, seemed to have no idea how to respond to power running. Tampa scored touchdowns on both these second-quarter possessions when it went to the ground, making the count 20-3 at halftime. Everything about the switch to running worked. Two touchdowns in two possessions; Oakland's offense kept off the field while the clock ground; Oakland down 20-3 at the half, its drip-drip-drip attack not designed for comebacks.

Yes, Gregg, it had nothing to do with the fact that Tampa intercepted two passes and their speedy defense held the Oakland to like 60 yards of offense in the first half. Asshole.

Then, on his first possession of the second half -- knowing the Raiders spent halftime adjusting to the run -- Gruden went play-action, to fine effect. Tampa's first possession of the second half was an 89-yard, eight-minute touchdown drive that put the Bucs ahead 27-3 and caused TMQ to write the words "game over" in his notebook, though considerable entertainment remained. On that drive, the Bucs ran seven times and passed seven times, four of them play-action. This was masterful manipulation of an opponent. The effect carried over to help Tampa's defense; the Oakland offense lost heart trying to climb out of a scoreboard hole.

I can't say I disagree with Gregg here. The Bucs did start throwing off play action at the beginning of the third quarter to much success. Although TMQ almost wrote "game over" in his notebook too soon, as the Raiders closed the gap to less than two scores and were well on their way of making it one. But if the Raiders had pulled off a miracle comeback, I doubt if Gregg would have mentioned that...

As for TMQ having called this shot -- I am available, my price is two No. 1s, two No. 2s and $8 million.

Don't forget to tip the waitresses.

Just how bad was Raiders Pro Bowl tackle Lincoln Kennedy, winner of the TMQ Non-QB Non-RB MVP award? Game tied at three in the first, Oakland on the Tampa 43. Kennedy barely so much as brushes Simeon Rice as he blows in to pressure Rich Gannon into throwing a pick; Kennedy looked like he was courteously stepping aside for the Queen's carriage. Instead of Oakland moving into scoring range, the Bucs drive for a field goal the other way. Kennedy gave up two sacks, had no push and once appeared simply to let go of Warren Sapp to give him a free shot at Gannon as the pass was released. Maybe the international publicity and nonstop mega-babes went to Kennedy's head after he was named TMQ Non-QB Non-RB MVP, but he looked seriously awful. On one snap, Tampa's Greg Spires blew past Kennedy to sack Gannon. Spires is a waiver-wire gentlemen who has bounced around the league. Kennedy made him look like Derrick Thomas in his prime.

Speed kills. Guys like Rice and Quarles were really speedy and fatasses like the Raiders O-Line couldn't keep up.

The desertion of Raiders Pro Bowl center Barret Robbins -- see Single Worst Play below -- was treated by bobbleheads and sportswriters as an odd sidebar, but may have been the determining moment of the Super Bowl.

I actually agree with TMQ here. Barret Robbins was the best Center in the NFL and I think the Raiders missed him much too much in the Super Bowl.

The Oakland OL produced one of the worst blocking performances TMQ has ever winced through, in part because its schemes were disrupted. On most plays, one of the guards, Mo Collins or Frank Middleton, helped reserve center Adam Treu handle his man, leaving the Raiders' tackles "on islands." Left tackle Barry Sims usually gets guard help. With Robbins out and Treu getting the help, Sims was cover-your-eyes, too, on two occasions barely so much as waving at Rice before the gentleman blew in to paste Gannon.

I agree that the Raiders for some reason changed their blocking schemes, but TMQ never mentioned just how fast the Bucs defense was and how well they pursued. Adam Treu was no fraud either. He started 14 games for the Raiders in 2001, so why Raiders coaches felt they needed to give him guard help I have no idea.

What Gregg didn't mention is that Tampa primarily played nickel defense (five defensive backs) and when they did blitz, the speedy Ronde Barber was usually right in Gannon's grill.

Note that the game's final phase, when the Tampa defensive line was tired and Gannon had time to scan the field, the Raiders put up two fairly easy-looking touchdowns. Once Gannon had time, suddenly his offense was powerful again and the City of Tampa defense was human again. What we saw in the final 17 minutes of the Super Bowl was the tight, tense, exciting duel we would have seen through the entire game, had Robbins not flaked out and the Oakland line played per usual. In this sense, by disappearing AWOL, Robbins not only shafted his teammates, he shafted the nation, depriving us of a tight, tense, exciting Super Bowl.

Once again Gregg forgets to mention Tampa's special teams breakdown as they directly lead to two of Oakland's second half scores and glimmers of hope for a comeback.

At the beginning of the fourth quarter, Oakland blocked a punt and returned it for a touchdown to make the score 34-15. Then on the ensuing Bucs drive Tom Tupa mishandled a field goal snap and Oakland then scored a touchdown a few plays later to make the score 34-21.

Whether or not the Bucs defense got tired is hard to say. I think Oakland coaches finally started calling deeper pass patterns which is how you counter the "Tampa 2" zone, not the rinky-dinky stuff that Oakland called previously.

Next, Gregg uses several paragraphs saying that Oakland should not have punted on 4th and 2 from their own 35 at the beginning of the third quarter when trailing 20-3.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All: Super Bowl tied at three at the end of the first quarter, Oakland faced third-and-two on the City of Tampa 43. It's anybody's game. The Bucs stopped a short run on the previous play, so won't be expecting another run, and they have the league's No. 1 pass defense, while their run defense is human. You can't win the Super Bowl unless you can run for two yards; plus, given the field position, if you pick up one yard, then you go for it on fourth. Run! Instead it's an empty-backfield roll-out play, Rich Gannon sprints backwards, bad pass, intercepted, Tampa scores on its possession. You can't win the Super Bowl if you can't run for two yards.

At the start of the third quarter the Raiders again faced third-and-two and again Gannon sprinted backward, this time for an incompletion. You can't win the Super Bowl if you can't run for two yards.

Lots of teams pass on 3rd and 2, although one would think that it would be one of the easiest conversions ever. And I wouldn't exactly have called Tampa's run defense "human".

Stat of the Week: The Tampa defense outscored the Oakland offense, 21-15.

Thanks, Gregg for once again proving my point and completely contradicting yourself.

Stat of the Week No. 8: The cumulative passer rating of Tampa opponents through all 17 games was 44.8. Ryan Leaf's career rating was 50.

Says something about Tampa's defense. Even the 2000 Ravens weren't that good.

Gregg then uses 839 words and eight paragraphs for his sci-fi complaint of the week.

Raiders: Don't Walk Out Over This One, Okay? Going for two after making it 34-21 with six minutes left, Oakland threw to Jerry Porter, who appeared to catch it in the air and be pushed out. TMQ thought it was a classic force-out and that the catch should have counted; the zebra on the scene thought otherwise; Callahan challenged and announcers talked about how a force-out cannot be reviewed, as by quirk, some rulings including force-out are not subject to review; after review, the play stood as called, no catch. Please, Raider Nation, don't claim this is more evidence of the international Zionist-Hindu conspiracy against you. (When TMQ lived in Pakistan, local newspapers were full of talk of "Zionist-Hindu" schemes to control the world.)

Everyone missed that the zebra on the scene did not rule that Porter was out of bounds -- he ruled pass incomplete. Porter held the ball, flew through the air and then, as he came down, the ball hit the ground and bounced. NFL rules now say that if a receiver catches in the air and appears to have possession and control, but the ball bounces when he hits the ground, it's incomplete. TMQ has doubts about that rule -- in common-sense terms, Porter's play looked good to me. Just as, in common-sense terms, Charles Woodson sure made Tom Brady fumble in the Snow Bowl. But in terms of the rules, Brady didn't fumble and Porter did not make the catch. Zebras were right both times.

The only reason referee Bill Carollo allowed the Raiders to challenge is that what they were challenging was a ruling of incompletion, not force-out: a complete/incomplete judgment can be reversed. All you had to do to know this was to watch the zebra immediately give the sign for incompletion, not the sign for receiver out of bounds.

This was a dumb rule that force out did not apply in two-point conversions but it did everywhere else and I'm surprised that Carollo allowed Callahan to challenge. Basically Porter caught the ball in mid-air while being hit and landed out of bounds, thus an incomplete pass. I hate it when the rules get in the way of common sense but that's the way it goes. And Brady fumbled too.

Sweet Play of the Day: Leading 13-3, Tampa had first-and-goal on the Oakland five with 34 seconds in the half. Receiver Keenan McCardell split right, covered by Charles Woodson. For this situation, NFL teams have fallen in love with the "fade," in which the receiver runs shallow to the pin at the corner of the end zone, looking over his shoulder back across the defender. McCardell took off as if for a fade, and Woodson turned to defend a ball coming over his head. Brad Johnson then deliberately underthrew the pass, and McCardell turned the other way to catch it behind his body as Woodson kept watching for the fade action. This is a modern variation on the old deliberate-underthrow that Joe Namath used to Don Maynard, on plays that cornerbacks thought were fly patterns, and it was the beauty play of the Super Bowl.

I too thought this was a sweet play because I hate fades near the goal line because they rarely work and aren't pretty to watch. But Johnson didn't deliberately underthrow the ball.

Sweet Play If It Had Come, Oh, Two Quarters Sooner: Oakland trailing 34-15 with six minutes left, Gannon hit Jerry Rice on beauty post route for a 48-yard touchdown and the Raiders' last-gasp. Fifty-four minutes had ticked off the clock, and this was the only the second time Gannon had thrown down the deep middle. No one has ever beaten a two-deep zone defense by throwing nothing but outs and to the short middle, which is what the Raiders had tried to this point. The post is Rice's best route -- remember how he killed the Bolts with it in the Niners-Chargers Super Bowl? -- yet Oakland had Rice spend the day running sideways. Yumpin' jiminy.

Once again I agree with Gregg. The Raiders spent too much time trying to "nickel and dime their way down the field" and not throwing deep, which the Raiders seemed to do with great success -- when they did.

And In My Memories, I Was Constantly Being Asked Out by Hot Babes: After Oakland missed its third of three two-point conversion attempts and trailed by 13 instead of 10 points as it would have been had the Raiders taken singletons, John Madden reminisced, "When I was coaching in this league, I never went for two until the very end, regardless of the scoreboard. I believed in always taking one point unless it was the very end."

Surely, Madden is in sync with TMQ's immutable law of the conversion: Take One Till the Fourth. But John -- when you were a head coach, there was no two-point option. Madden ran the Raiders from 1969 to 1978. The old AFL two-point rule was ended when the AFL and old NFL merged in 1967. The deuce conversion option was not reinstated until 1994.

Only in Easterbrook's dreams will he be surrounded by hot women. And why Madden said this really puzzled me, but Madden said a lot of things that puzzled me, so I was not surprised.

And then Gregg talks about a lot of non-football crap that I didn't even bother to read.

And of course there is a bullshit plug about Gregg's book, surprise surprise.

Gregg Easterbrook Hates "24" and TV In General Because It's Unrealistic and Offensive. TheDood Shakes his Head in Puzzlement.

Gregg Easterbrook wrote a special off-season "TMQ" just to complain about "24" when that show wrapped up last month. I only remember Gregg going on old-man rants about the show this year and not even mentioning in in the other eight years the show was on. But remember who we're dealing with here and his so-called thought process. And what got me the most is that ESPN picked it up because it's not about sports at all. There is no mention of anything sports in the column.

(Note: TheDood is a huge 24 fan, so the whole idea of this exclusive post by Easterbrook really annoys him)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=easterbrook/100525_24_finale

The Fox series "24" concluded Monday night, and not a moment too soon. It had become so preposterous; it was more like science fiction than drama. Through the course of the eight-year series, the United States had five presidents, and the fifth was about to announce her resignation as the series ended.What Gregg failed to note was that there was anywhere from 18 months to two years between seasons, so the show did not in fact take place over eight years. And when was 24 ever a drama? Seems to me it was more of an action series.

Through the eight years depicted, a nuclear bomb went off near Los Angeles, a former president was murdered by the CIA, Air Force One was shot down, martial law was declared, U.S. nuclear missile launch codes were stolen, Russian nuclear missile launch codes were stolen, the Secretary of Defense was kidnapped and government computers were taken over. Jack Bauer solved all these problems (except the Los Angeles explosion) single-handedly, always by running from place to place, shouting at everyone he met, then shooting people using one of those special guns that never runs out of bullets, while thousands of rounds fired back at him at close range missed their target.

Yeah this statement is really untrue. 24 had a huge and great supporting cast and Jack got shot quite a few times. Granted though, he was a bit of a Superman a lot, but this is freaking TV!

And you can't forget that Jack could get to anywhere in L.A. in five minutes or less! That rat bastard!

Bauer also single-handedly foiled a nerve gas attack on diplomats, a radioactive dirty-bomb attack on New York, five other nuclear bomb attacks on U.S. cities, and an attempt to cause several U.S. nuclear power plants to melt down. This veered well beyond nonsense, even given Jack's amazing ability to move across town -- or across country -- during commercials. Another sci-fi aspect: The countless conspirators of "24" endlessly discuss their conspiracies, in specific language, over cell phones!

I have always wanted to know what, if any, TV shows and movies Gregg Easterbrook watches. He is probably the worst person to watch a TV or movie with because he will point out and rant and complain about things that are unrealistic and illogical. He seems to always go on old man rants about action series being too violent and unrealistic. And the same could be said for him and sci-fi even though he is a self-proclaimed sci-fi "fan".

"This veered well beyond nonsense," IT'S FREAKING TV!

", even given Jack's ability to move across town -- or across country -- during commercials."

Gregg fails to mention that the show is in real time and I never once remembered Jack traveling cross-country during a commercial break. But the producers have said in the past that they use commercials to have characters travel.

Here is my favorite sci-fi line from the series: "The president has ordered the media not to report any criticism." And how did that work for you, George W. Bush?

Only Gregg Easterbrook thinks this show was sci-fi. But then again he thinks every show is sci-fi because they're all unrealistic. And I thought Gregg Easterbrook was a Republican. And when does the government actually do what it says?

In the final two episodes, Jack killed a dozen people, including five Russian bodyguards standing in a hotel room, all of whom died instantaneously on the first shot, without any of them ever getting a shot off at him. Clint Eastwood can only envy that scene. Plus, lots of gunshots were fired in a fancy hotel and no policemen came. Also, Jack rescued a woman from a CIA-defended cell, then attacked an ex-president's motorcade and kidnapped him in central Manhattan without anyone noticing. At one point, Jack is running down a Manhattan street holding only his never-empty pistol, then a scene later has a large backpack with sniper weapons and electronics. Where did the large backpack come from? Through the course of the series, Jack killed, with guns or knives, perhaps 1,000 people. I doubt there has ever been a human being who killed that many people in any form of face-to-face encounters, including during war; certainly there has never been a law enforcement officer who's killed more than a few people. (Most law enforcement officers retire without ever having fired their guns except on the training range, let alone killing anyone.)

All I'm going to say (again) is that this is a work of fiction and you're supposed to be entertained. If it were realistic or not silly than it would be damn boring.

When Jack kidnapped ex-president Logan (notice he never used names here, which leads me to believe that he doesn't actually watch the show, or if he does, not very closely), they were in either a parking garage or a loading dock (I can't specifically remember), so no one would have noticed anyway.

Gregg probably just looked at some watchdog group or something (I'm sure they're out there, mainly against the show's violence and depiction of torture in the past) and got his material for this column from there, because it certain doesn't seem like he actually watched the show.

I think both Gregg and I have made our points. But does he finish? Hell no. And there are places on the internet where you look up how many people Jack killed

And yes it's television, which means absurdity.

Thanks for making my point, Gregg!

But the big buildup to the final scene of the series turned on whether the president would sign a treaty with fictional Kamistan -- a treaty that Bauer alone knew to be a Russian plot. As the series' climatic scene begins, the setup is that if the president signs, the United States will be sold out to the Russians. The U.N. Secretary General pronounces, "By signing, you commit your respective countries to abide by the terms therein." Signing any treaty is a symbolic gesture! In the United States, treaties only acquire force once ratified by the Senate. I admit I don't know how these things are handled in Kamistan. Come on, Hollywood. Isn't there anyone on the scriptwriting staff with a passing knowledge of the U.S. Constitution?

Do you, Gregg, pass knowledge of U.S. Constitution? And if the treaty went to Senate, why wouldn't they ratify it?

This leads to the disturbing thing about "24" -- not its blood, but its distorted depictions of how U.S. government works. Not only did the show present warped pictures of the constitution, the military and the legal system, it went beyond to the most negative, cynical view of the United States ever seen on television. Throughout the series, hardly anyone is honest or patriotic -- most high White House officials, and practically everyone in the military and in national intelligence, is either corrupt or a traitor or both. The CIA, especially, is depicted as employing traitors exclusively -- like a hiring requirement. In the series' penultimate scene, as the valorous Chloe finally regains control of the fictional super-secret CTU, she orders everyone but Ortez and Arlo out of headquarters -- because everyone else in the CTU is a traitor.

If I were a U.S. military officer or intelligence official, I would be offended by "24" and its depiction of the United States government and national security apparatus as dens of lawbreakers and turncoats. What a relief it's over.

This is why the show is a work of fiction and only dumbasses who can't think for themselves like Gregg don't like this show because that's the way they feel the government work because 24 says it does. And a lot of people feel that government officials are corrupt and are in it for themselves. And when did it show a "warped picture of the military"? There is a lot of secret stuff in the military, and since 24 is a work of fiction, the writers can only speculate on how the secret stuff works.

Throughout the series, hardly anyone is honest or patriotic -- most high White House officials, and practically everyone in the military and in national intelligence, is either corrupt or a traitor or both.

Since when are White House officials honest or patriotic? Just kidding. Again I think Gregg is way off in this statement. Throughout the show there were plenty in the White House inner-circle and the military who could be trusted, but you don't remember them. Or in Gregg's case, they didn't exist because he only watched the show in its final season and not in the past when the White House was more involved.

If I were a U.S. military officer or intelligence official, I would be offended by "24" and its depiction of the United States government and national security apparatus as dens of lawbreakers and turncoats.

Actually many in Washington including President Obama are fans of the show. Only Gregg who thinks that all television is realistic would be offended. I would think if you are given the chance to work in government and military intelligence than you would be smart enough to realize that this show is a work of fiction and is in no way realistic.

What a relief it's over.

Yeah and too bad for Gregg it's not because there's going to be a movie. It's been confirmed. I think it's already written, so actually 24 isn't over. But given Gregg's aloofness about 24's past, I'm not surprised he didn't know about that. Maybe his "clean TV" watchdog groups didn't know about it either.

I was unpleasantly surprised that Gregg Easterbrook wrote a special "TMQ" about the finale of 24 and that ESPN picked it up because it is not about sports whatsoever. I think this poo-poos both ESPN and Gregg Easterbrook for reasons I am sure you can figure out on your own.

"In the next TMQ, Gregg goes inside the military and learns of their secrets and will be published in the next TMQ so he can complain about 24 and about TV and movies in general -- only on ESPN.com Page 2."

Me Ripping "TMQ" - The 2001 Edition

Gregg Easterbrook has been writing his Tuesday Morning Quarterback column for 10 years now, much to my annoyance and enjoyment at the same time. Let me explain. I cringe at his perceived lack of football knowledge and his lack of an imagination when talking about... anything from a TV show or movie. However at the same time I enjoy ripping his work, his stupid nicknames for NFL teams and the tastefully named Gregg Williams... er... wait... I don't enjoy Gregg Williams, an ex-head coach and current Saints defensive coordinator.

Before getting too far, somebody on Blogger has beat to the chance at harshly critiquing on Easterbrooks columns and sport journalism in general. That is The Bottom of the Barrel blog located at http://bottom-of-the-barrel.blogspot.com/. For the past two seasons those guys (or gals if there are any) have been ripping Easterbrook's every TMQ (which is only during the regular season and draft, unlike Peter King's MMQB, which is year round).

Easterbrook began writing his column for Slate Magazine in 2000. He then moved to ESPN.com in 2002. A few weeks into the 2003 season he was fired by ESPN for comments that were perceived as anti-semantic in another column he was writing. He wrote briefly for Football Outsiders before being picked up by NFL.com later that season. He moved back to ESPN in 2006 and has been there ever since. All of his columns except for the ones he wrote for NFL.com are still available, including the ones for Slate from 2000 and 2001.

One thing that needs to be remembered is that his TMQs are long, very long, sometimes upwards of 10,000 words and he often goes on tangents.

Note: I have just picked a random TMQ column and will now prognosticate it.

"Once More Into the Breach Against the Local Affiliates!" -- Oct. 30, 2001

http://www.slate.com/id/2057875/

Saints at Rams, Raiders at Eagles, Niners at Bears—wow, what an attractive Sunday card, combined record 24-7 for these hot teams. So which of the headliner games was shown in the nation’s capital, where TMQ lives? None. The nation’s capital saw only Jax at Baltimore and Giants at the Chesapeake Watershed Region Indigenous Persons, combined record 9-14. New York, the nation’s largest city, saw neither Rams-Saints nor Niners-Bears, both barn-burners. What, are terrorists controlling football programming now, too?

Believe or not, some loyal fans of certain teams enjoy watching and recording their teams' games in their entirety without any interruptions. Obviously Gregg isn't a Redskins fan, not that I blame him though.

One common theme in his TMQ always has been bitching about network program directors.

Basically he goes on and complains about program directors only scheduling regional games, no matter how bad the local teams may be, using the Pacific Northwest as an example.

Recognizing their smart-bomb-like flair for homing in on the worst possible game, a few local affiliates do the democratic thing and allow viewers to vote. As reader Ravi Nanavati points out, WBBM, the CBS affiliate in Chicago, lets fans pick what matchup the station will show in non-Bears slots. (Vote for this week’s possibilities here.) Why don’t other affiliates employ this sensible system?

I wonder if that vote's still open?

Meanwhile the insidious home-sellout penalty refuses to die. Since 1973, when Congress voted to compel the NFL to air sold-out home games, there has been a catch: When a station shows a sold-out local game, it cannot show any other NFL game that day. This rule cancels the doubleheader if the sold-out home game is airing on the same network holding the doubleheader that week. (By contract, Fox and CBS rotate doubleheader weeks.) For cities that perpetually sell out their stadia—Dallas, Denver, Kansas City, Washington among them—the effect is to block about half the season’s doubleheader Sundays. In New York, where the two-team, always-sold-out Meadowlands stadium hosts a home game weekly, for years the effect has been to show fans in the nation’s largest city strictly the Giants and Jets. During 1999, for example, in 11 of the 17 NFL regular-season weeks, New York on Sunday afternoon saw the Giants and Jets and nothing else.

Problems with the blackout catch are two. First, it penalizes fans for selling out the local stadium. Second, it penalizes owners by limiting ad revenues since so many good games aren’t shown in major cities; showing them would improve ratings and ad revenue. Meanwhile all bad local affiliate decisions reduce ratings and thus revenue. It’s not like viewing of the top games appreciates and can be marketed later. Viewing is worth quite a bit while the games are in progress and is worthless one second after they end.

I too think the idea of a blackout is pretty stupid. Back before 1973 games were blacked out in their home TV markets even if the game was sold out. What people would often do is journey to hotels just outside the limits of that TV market so they could see their home team (for instance going to Connecticut to see Giants games, going to Ohio to see the Steelers). But still, if a game is not sold out, it still will not be scheduled in that home market. Another weird rule is that only one network in each market can show a double-header.

Then Gregg goes on to say that DirecTV is the best route, but that it comes at a price and not all regions of the country can be reached by their satellites.

In other NFL news, corks popped at 4:33 p.m. ET Sunday as the previously undefeated Rams left the field mumbling “No. !!%@&!&*” at the Dome at Center of the Observable Universe, or whatever the St. Louis stadium is now called. In one of the sweetest traditions in sports lore, each season on opening day, each surviving member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins—the sole NFL team to complete a perfect season—sets aside a bottle of champagne to cool. The cork is loosened when the last remaining undefeated team honks, ensuring the record is safe for another year. And it’s genuine champagne, not the blueberry-almond sparkling-style chlorine-infused beverage-type substance passing for bubbly these days. Gentlemen of 1972, TMQ hopes you enjoyed your draught. You are likely to sample it again annually until the day the football gods summon you to Asgard for song and feasting.

Another thing about Gregg's column is that he used Auto-Text way too much and this quote he rehashes every time the last undefeated team is, well, defeated. He just changes the time and the team that no longer has a naught in their "L" column.

Best of the Week. (Best Non-Plays): Game tied at 31, the Saints had first and goal at the Rams’ 8 with 1:48 remaining and St. Louis bereft of time-outs. New Orleans made no attempt to score a touchdown. Instead kneel down, kneel down, kneel down, then the winning field goal with one second left. St. Louis was bereft of time-outs because earlier, coach Mike Martz challenged a fumble ruling that was obviously correct. TMQ warned last week that the football gods would punish the Rams for the hubris of their onside kick when leading by a big margin against the Jets.

Ah yes, we are introduced to the football gods. Basically whenever a team does something not-nice, like win a game by a large margin, Gregg proclaims that they are running up the score, and that the Football Gods will punish them.

Best Merriment: Mike Brown returned an overtime pick for six to cap Chicago’s big comeback against the Niners. He concluded the winning play by diving into the end zone—except he was already 5 yards into the end zone when he dove.

Uh, okay?

Worst Plays of the Week: Facing fourth and an inch at the Ravens’ 8 in a scoreless first quarter, Jax lined up with an empty backfield, not even bothering to show run. You have to pass to gain an inch? Incomplete, change of possession, the Jaguars went on to lose by one. This also demonstrates the potency of TMQ’s law: Kick Early, Go for It Late.

Much of Gregg's prognostication stems from "this team should have done the opposite". And like that an event in the first quarter no less determined the outcome of the game. That's Gregg Easterbrook logic for ya.

Worst No. 2: Trailing 10-3, the Arizona (CATUION: MAY CONTAIN FOOTBALL-LIKE SUBSTANCE) Cardinals had possession on their 1, third and 10. The Az-Men came out in a shotgun, forcing QB Jake Plummer to stand near the back of the end zone. He retreated almost to the end line, then launched a wild heave-ho that was intercepted and returned for six. Arizona would have been much better off running to improve punt position or taking a deliberate safety. The shotgun from your own 1!

First of all, what the hell does "in a shotgun" mean? He could have said "came out in the shotgun" or "came out in a shotgun formation". And I bet he would have ripped the Cardinals if they had taken a "deliberate safety" as he suggested, he would have called them pussies and put them in the "Buck-bwuck-bruckkkkk" segment.

Worst Attempt at Divine Intervention: The “review assistant,” the anonymous gentleman in the NFL box who alone can challenge calls in the final two minutes, challenged both the Bears’ last-second touchdown and the ensuing last-second deuce conversion to force overtime. Both plays were upheld.

Umm... okay?

Worst Coaching No. 1: QB guru genius Mike Holmgren left Trent Dilfer—on a 20-4 run as a starter—on the bench as Matt Hasselbeck, 1-3 lifetime, honked to the Marine Mammals.

Yes I am sure that the reason the Seahawks lost to the Dolphins was solely because Hasselbeck started in place of Dilfer. It couldn't possibly be because the Dolphins, the better team, outplayed the Seahawks. More Easterbrookian logic.

Worst Coaching No. 2: Trailing Miami 24-20 with two minutes left, Seattle faced fourth and four at the Dolphins’ 10. Guru genius Holmgren sent in the kicking unit, gambling his underachiever defense could get the ball back immediately for another field goal attempt to win. The 28-yarder doinked; game over. But Seattle was doomed in any case for violating an immutable law: Kick Early, Go for It Late.

And tell me how the field goal missing was Holmgren's fault? Because he ordered it? And what if the fourth down conversion failed. Gregg would have made up another "immutable law" or some crap that the "Football Gods" did to say that they should have kicked a field goal.

Worst Rodomontade: As the gun sounded on the Persons’ win over the Giants, players doused coach Marty Schottenheimer with Gatorade. Washington is 2-5.

What's wrong with being proud of a win? But still at 2-5 that is kind of silly, but whatever.

Worst Ridiculous K2 Survival Gear: Each time he came to the sidelines in Chicago, Niners quarterback Jeff Garcia put on a ski cap and pulled it over his ears. Kickoff temperature was 53 degrees.

Bastard...

Gregg throws up more random-ass stats that I can't even pontificate on.

Sensors Detect Temporal Anomaly in the Arrowhead Sector: Taking over with 45 seconds left in the half and three time-outs, trailing by seven, the Chiefs drove to the Horsies’ 30, where they kicked a field goal on second down because the clock was almost zeroed. During the possession, Kansas City never called time out. On the plus side, the unused time-outs can be donated to charity.

A win is a win is a win no matter how it comes. Seems pretty routine to me. Maybe they were able to utilize the sidelines.

Forget the Titans: With last night’s loss, Tennessee is on the ropes at 2-4 and is 2-5 since the end of the 2000 regular season, when it had compiled the best AFC record and was the purist’s choice for the Super Bowl. Ye gods, what happened? Tuesday Morning Quarterback will report the shocking truth next week.

TMQ will make up a reason five minutes before he writes next week's column. Although I think Gregg made up that it was the fault of their "46" defense, even without the tastefully-named Gregg Williams.

Next is his cheerleader of the week, which is kind of sick for a middle-aged, married guy with kids. He posts pictures too and I doubt if he even gets permission from the woman or the team she cheers for.

Researchers Note Rice Envy Syndrome: Two years ago, as he closed in on becoming the No. 2 receiver all-time behind Jerry Rice, rather than acting happy, Andre Reed became an incredible jerk—throwing tantrums on the sidelines, denouncing his teammates for not revering him enough. Now Cris Carter, who just passed Reed as No. 2 all-time behind Rice, has become an incredible jerk—throwing tantrums on the sidelines (against Tampa, Carter on the sideline looked like he needed milk, crackers, and a bedtime story), denouncing his teammates for not revering him enough. Sure, anthrax is the priority. But couldn’t some biologist devise a vaccine for the debilitating effects of Rice Envy Syndrome?

Receivers have and always will be divas. Even the great Jerry Rice was one at one time or another, but not all that often. Did it ever occur to Gregg that maybe Carter and Reed deserved to be revered? Yeah they weren't Rice but they were still all-time great receivers. And I hate it when coaches go on power trips and don't give their most gifted athletes chances at making plays. That's what makes players complain (and contracts too).

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! Persons 27, G-Men 21, seven minutes left, Persons facing third and 19 at their 24. All New York needs is to play straight coverage, get a stop (the average NFL pass attempt yields 6.2 yards), and the punt puts the Giants in excellent field position. Instead, it’s a blitz! Journeyman Michael Westbrook is one-on-one with part-time CB/full-time tawdry pitchman Jason Sehorn and scorches Sehorn for the 76-yard TD that seals the game.

Another Easterbrook classic, although sometimes he does have a point. But seriously though if the Giants had forced a punt, Gregg probably would have called the Redskins wusses for punting. Again it comes down to me questioning Easterbrook's logic a lot, and guessing what he would say if the team did the opposite.

The Football Gods Chortled: For this year’s office Halloween party, TMQ came wearing a big magnet: costumed as a babe magnet! In a cruel twist, all the attractive women from the office came dressed as men, so the magnet had no effect. It was touch-and-go whether it would even work on TMQ’s wife.

This sounds like something straight from an episode of According to Jim. I'm going to hold my tongue now.

Obscure College Score of the Week: Wisconsin-Stevens Point 34, Wisconsin-Stout 24. Stevens Point, whose foreboding modernist campus is centered around a vast concrete sun dial that looks like the main deflector dish of a crashed starcruiser, boasts that it finished fourth in the 2002 U.S. News ranking for “top public Midwestern universities—master’s.” (The U.S. News college ranking franchise is sprouting so many categories, it makes the Academy Awards seem restrained.) The school’s Faculty Constitution (access it here) runs 42 pages—formatted as a Word general document, the U.S. Constitution is 12 pages—and contains such earth-shattering specifications as, “Subject to review by the Senate, the committee shall have the authority to encourage programs with an international emphasis.” Lifestyle bonus: Beer aficionados consider Stevens Point Brewery one of the country’s top micros. Gape at the frightening Point Maple Wheat beer here.

Bonus Obscure Score: Muhlenberg 23, Ursinus 20. Located in the pastorally named Collegeville, Pa., Ursinus is “a Dell Laptop Campus,” issuing every incoming frosh a Latitude deck. (So Mom and Dad, that tuition is really only …) Its admissions page points potential customers to an article deriding the myth that “if you don’t get into Harvard, Yale or Princeton, your life is ruined … [this is] like saying that without Armani and Prada, we’d have nothing to wear.” TMQ’s life was ruined when he failed to get into the University of Miami, farm team for the Dolphins’ cheerleaders. And Ursinus appears to suffer the same genus confusion as the American Academy for the Advancement of Science. An essay by Ursinus President John Strassburger says students “burst into applause” when a professor asked them, “What does it mean to be human?”

Double Bonus Obscure Score: Norfolk State 7, Howard 0 in OT. This game was 0-0 after four quarters and came tantalizingly close to TMQ’s ultimate football final, 2-0 in overtime. Norfolk State emerged victorious despite gaining 49 yards in regulation. Howard threw 25 times for a net of 2 yards.

I actually rather enjoy the obscure college scores. And even my school showed up in one although it was long before I began attending it.

Basically the rest of the column is devoted to Dennis Miller (the "comedian" on Monday Night Football) and haikus submitted by readers.

So there you have it. I haven't touched on all Easterbrook cliches, but I think I got most of them. It is interesting to go back and read this stuff just to remember the teams and players from "back then".